scared to do this, but it worth the try

Hi.

I am extremely nervous because I am about to publish my very first blog post. I’ve been trying to do this for I truly don’t even know how long. It’s been years, for sure. I want to write about my life with OCD, how I have lived with it from the earliest memory I have until the age of 32, when I finally realized that all my crazy thoughts were happening because of something that actually has a name, and that I am not the only one going through this. Now I’m 40, and it is still very much a daily struggle, but somehow, I am surviving. I will write about my experience with medication and therapy. Of course, I will also write about the time when I was 22 and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and how I dealt with the hand I was given. About depression. About severe anxiety. About the joys of this kind of life, because there are joys. About the many thoughts of death. About going to psychology college at almost 40.

But first, I will publish an essay that I had to write during my first year of psychology college, for my English class:

Since I have the liberty to write about anything I like, I will probably make it very personal. It’s something that I always do. So I think I am going to tell you about how much I want to write and how afraid I am to do it. Probably in some way it was meant to be, my father was a writer, my mother would have been a great writer, pretty sure about that, but life kind of got to her and put her on a different path. I don’t think my brother would like dealing with the writing stuff, he took a totally different path. I, on the other hand tried and tried and than quit for good for a long period of time. When I was in high school I was writing poems and articles and we had our own little paper, called “Urlete Șoptite”, me and a couple of friends. But I always, and I mean ALWAYS was disappointed with what I wrote. And I am pretty sure that for good reasons. But the unfortunate part is that I quit, and the only way to be sure that you are not improving in any domain that you like, is to quit it before you have time to study it and try to evolve.

But that was that. Since than I’ve been to some pretty dark places, from pretty nasty depression to a stage 4 cancer. The ugly thing about depression, is that kind of never goes away. You either learn to make it your companion or you let it get to you. Almost tried to impersonate depression right there, and to call it her instead of it. Maybe because it was (is) such a personal relationship. Cancer comes, and if you have the perfect combination between luck, good treatment, good vibrations from people around you and a good psych you can get over it. I really think that is a battle of will in any disease, of course with the other variables turned in your favour. But with what comes after it is a totally different story. Everybody thinks that after a thing like this you see life in another perspective, that you make the best from everything that happens to you. I have to tell you that it took me very little time to get back to my old habits and try to hide under the carpet any good or bad thing that happened during that period. That was my way of dealing with things. But at some point, as I learned the hard way, everything you hide under the carpet doesn’t seem to like it over there (who would?). And as one slips away from over there, soon everybody notices that there is a way out. And man, they don’t mind about the fact that it’s crowded on the way out and they don’t even care about the mess they make. It’s all in, baby. That’s the time when depression and anxiety hit the hardest. You have lost all your energy fighting and trying to clean the mess and you let your guard down. This is the point where if you are a little unlucky you get a knock out. Almost took it, if it were to be measured in a box fight time, maybe I stayed down until the referee counted to 8 or 9.

But after that, slowly, and maybe that is the best kept secret, that almost everything good must come slowly and if you are impatient you might very well never have the chance to see it. So I was fortunate enough to have good people around me that gave me space to grow.

Going back to the main story of whatever this is, that is why I would now love to write. To have the chance to help other people, people that are in their lowest points in their life, that there is still hope. When you are down everybody tries to tell you that good thing can still come, but nobody tells you how hard is the battle. Because it is a battle in every little sense. But it’s doable. It goes up and down and up and down and somehow you have to see the dust from downstairs if you would like to enjoy the view that waits many stories above. The big struggle is believing in yourself. That is the point in which you see the view from upstairs. That is the reason for which you go to battle. It cannot be done just by thinking every day about it or as some books will tell you, to look in the mirror and have a nice dialogue with yourself every day. May work on some people, but for most, the upper floor needs proof to let you in. Proof that you really understand with what you are dealing. I’m not even close, but from time to time it shows me glimpses of how it is, and man, does it worth the battle.

So, should I write or should I not, as The Clash would say if I was to write songs for them. I can only try to do it, starting in situations like this, putting my finger in the water and see if there are hungry sharks in there or only nice and gentle turtles. Maybe both of them, but as I learned on this journey, everybody who is angry may still find ways to be kind and gentle.